In an effort to get more students to go to sporting events, Penn Athletics will introduce a “Balls Out” rewards program for the spring semester. The program will be available as an app on Android and iOS phones and will allow students to check in to sporting events for points. Students will be able to accumulate points and then trade those points for Penn Athletics items. Athletics has stated that it has done extensive research into the student body’s preferences and will now feature rewards that students actually want. Although there are only rumors at this point, the Punch Bowl has acquired a recent memo from the Athletics department. It has been copy/pasted (with all additional notes) below:
Balls Out Rewards
- 5 pts: Starbucks Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte (This might as well be the only thing on the menu)
- 10 pts: Meal swipe at Hillel without the few extra bucks
- 20 pts: Refillable Chipotle gift card (Amount doesn’t matter; they go crazy for this shit)
- 50 pts: Pair of salmon shorts (Self-explanatory)
- 75 points: Joy ride in the Penn Athletics football helmet cart(Only for an hour around the track, or else we might have a problem)
- 100 pts: Penn Athletics Limited Edition Sperry Topsiders (These are really nice – I think most students will stop here)
- 150 pts: Manage every Athletics’ social media page for a day (How bad could this be? All posts must end with #PennPride)
- 175 pts: DP editor for a day (Literally no one will notice)
- 200 pts: Signed picture of Amy Gutmann – If you reach this level, you will automatically be entered to win an all-expenses-paid lunch date with Amy Gutmann in New York City
- 225 pts: Auto-bid to any fraternity/sorority of your choice
- 250 pts: Drop a midterm
- 300 pts: Pick your favorite number between 00 and 99. Penn Athletics will retire that number and hang up your “jersey” on the rafters on Franklin Field.
Congratufuckinglations.Additional note: Do you think we overdid it?
