BREAKING NEWS: “Frozen” is the Real Cause Behind Recent Snow Days

In breaking news, Penn officials have reported that the real reason behind Penn’s snow days is because Amy Gutmann is just really, really, really obsessed with Frozen. While many students believed the snow days were due to inclement weather, recent reports state that Amy Gutmann just wanted to build a snowman.

“Ever since Ms. Gutmann saw Frozen two months ago, she’s been dangerously obsessed. Wondering why your financial aid application hasn’t been processed yet? It’s because all Ms. Gutmann does during the day is sing Frozen songs and pretend she can turn things into ice. She’s already ruined her computer, television, and puppy by putting them all in the freezer,” said Chives, Amy Gutmann’s personal butler. Chives apparently does not have a last name. “It’s been getting worse. Yesterday she made me purchase a fling tank for her with the phrase ‘Princeton never bothered me anyway’.”

In her personal statement, Gutmann said the following: “In Frozen, Elsa is plagued with the curse of turning things into ice. She has to hide her true self from everyone around her. I really connected with this because I too have had a secret all my life. The truth is, I’m perfect in every single way. When I was younger, I couldn’t share this with others. I had to hide my perfection by doing non-perfect things, like being brunette or wearing sweatpants. No one understood me. It’s actually really hard having it all! But finally, when I became President of Penn, I was able to be my true self and show everyone how perfect I really am.” Gutmann shed some tears during her emotional statement.

Multiple people have actually spotted Gutmann sitting alone on her stoop during each of the snow days. “It’s because she was just waiting for someone to build a snowman with her,” said Chives. “That’s why she declared all of those snow days! She’s lonely and just wants to spend every waking hour building snowmen that she hopes will come to life.”

Ms. Gutmann has recently been seen wearing a carrot on her face and forcing others to address her as “Olaf”. No word yet on how this has affected board meetings.


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