Squirrel Found Guilty for Quad Robberies

Sources have confirmed that a slew of robberies throughout the Quad have been traced back to a single squirrel who gained entry through an opened window on the Fisher-Hassenfeld third floor. Upon entering the Quad, the malefactor ravaged a bowl of Hershey Kisses and Starbursts, leaving a trail of candy wrappers and fecal matter throughout his crime spree.

A member of the Penn basketball team (who we can only assume has a sweet tooth and digestive issues) was originally charged for the crime; however, he has been released and has returned to practice. The player told reporters, “I’m just glad justice has been served. If it means catching a real crook like that squirrel, I would happily get wrongly accused again.”

Vice President for Safety Maureen Rush publicly apologized to the basketball team and the Penn community, thanking them for their patience in this hard time.  While Rush is pleased that they found the culprit, she voiced concern that this is just one miscreant in a crime related gang consisting of squirrels hiding in trees throughout campus.



Leave a Reply