U2 is an Irish rock band from Dublin. Formed in 1976, the band consists of lead singer Bono, guitarist The Edge, and those two other guys. Just hours ago, these four men put the Jennifer Lawrence iCloud nudes scandal to shame with their very own iCloud hack: they forcefully penetrated our iTunes library with their Illuminati-sponsored bake sale type music. If you see these download links for free U2 songs in your iTunes library, I implore you, DON’T DOWNLOAD THEM: they give you free U2 songs.

It is no secret I hate U2 almost as much as the collective Kardashian family hates minor inconveniences. Thus, it is only natural that I present six reasons why you too should delete U2’s new album from your iTunes right now.

6) The lead guitarist calls himself “The Edge”, though he is as “edgy” as a plain ham sandwich with a side of weapons-grade Ambien.

5) Most bands that have existed for multiple decades change something about their musical style at some point in time. For example, the Beatles incorporated elements of LSD traditional Indian music into their sound to keep their music interesting. But almost 40 years later, even the Edge’s skully still looks like it’s a roll away from being a full-body condom.

4) With song subjects ranging from “deliverance” to “redemption”, Bono sounds like Tim Tebow with a mullet and red tinted sunglasses. No seriously – allegedly the band reads the Bible before every concert, and unless they’re reading the book of Leviticus where God eats peoples babies then that shit is lame.

3) They haven’t yet grasped the concept that guitar intros can be comprised of more than three notes.

2) They also haven’t yet grasped the concept that they CAN in fact look in the same direction in an album cover.

And last but not least…

1) They’re Irish.