We’re All Going to Die: Ebola Edition

Today’s guest column comes to us from our resident world health expert, Luke Hoban.

Scientists confirmed Tuesday afternoon that a scary-sounding disease previously isolated on a continent that we don’t really pay attention to is now only 1,000 miles away from those of us in the Northeast. The outbreak, which has impacted thousands elsewhere in the world, is now considered a global health crisis. Questions abound about how to manage the disease that modern science understands nothing about.

Chad Gibbons, head virologist at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, released a statement today addressing the unprecedented catastrophe.

“This is by far the largest problem facing American society today. Since nothing is known about how viruses spread or how they are treated, we will all be greeted shortly by death’s sweet embrace. In the meantime, make sure to avoid hospitals since they will most likely be the breeding grounds of the outbreak.”

“Now is absolutely the perfect time to panic,” he added. “The more hysterical you get, the better.”

With the announcement Tuesday, health professionals from all over the globe attempted to assuage fears in the United States. Kirk Dooley, a biologist from the World Health Organization, addressed these fears in a statement earlier today.

“The United States is now at the forefront of our global War on Disease. All of our efforts will go to making sure that infrastructure in the US is able to handle these patients’ condition. Any future instances in the states will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, and as a proactive measure we are definitely going to hold daily press conferences alerting Americans about how many new cases are observed. As of right now, that number is at zero. This way, the public can rest assured knowing that we are facing this disaster calmly and in no way inciting panic.”

America, all we can do now is try to stay strong while staring into the cold, infinite abyss.

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