The week’s guest column is brought to you directly from our esteemed leader, Empress Amy Gutmann, in the form of a brand-spanking-new advice column. Please enjoy her motherly, sage advice. 

 

I was in VP and overheard a really cute frat bro giving his info on the phone, so I wrote down his name and phone number, and I’ve used him as a connection to get into parties. Normal or crazy?!

-Thinkin’ Bout You Owl Night Long

Dear Thinkin’ Bout You,

Crazy. Stop that.

-AG

 

I took a girl to two date nights so I told my mom I had a girlfriend, but now my mom’s here and wants to meet her. What do I do?

-Champagne and Shackled

Dear Shackled,

Tell your mom you found out she was only half-Jewish and dumped her. She’ll be proud.

-AG

 

I found my crush on Spotify, and I bought his favorite band’sTt-shirt. Does everyone do this?

-The Dandy Warholic

Dear Warholic,

How expensive was the t-shirt? Also, no.

-AG

 

I took a boy’s virginity and tried to make him have coffee with me to talk out any emotions he might be experiencing. Why has he not responded?

-Flower Plucker

Dear Plucker,

Boys don’t want that. What is wrong with the people at this school? I miss Harvard.

-AG

 

I hate when I’m being the bouncer for my frat and a total stranger uses my name as a connection. It just makes me feel used. I’m tired of spending parties crying in the bathroom. What do I do?

-Don’t SAE My Name

Dear Name,

Man up. Less tears, more beers.

-AG

 

The other day in Econ I was sitting behind a cute boy and “couldn’t help” but see his email address. Would it be cute to send him a Paperless Post invitation to the party in my pants?

-Paperless & Pantsless

Dear Pantsless,

Why are you pantsless? Were you not invited to the party in your own pants?

-AG

 

A girl at a party made eye contact with me for a full thirty seconds. I assumed that meant she was DTF, but when I tried to grind she seemed scared instead of turned on. Why?

-Sig Nu-to-This

Dear Nu-to-This,

Prolonged eye contact does not mean yes. She’s just drunk. Which also doesn’t mean yes.

-AG

 

I met a REALLY HOT guy, but to make sure if he was up to my standards I Googled his last name and hometown. I found his mom’s Wikipedia page! Would it be cool to congratulate him on her promotion?

-Breaking the glass ceiling… and my hymen

Dear Hymen Breaker,

No scrubs. This one’s chill.

-AG