Might you be in Fisher Fine Arts Library right at this very moment, getting a little studying done? Are you perhaps at a loss as to how you’re going to deal with that bubble of noxious swamp gas fixin’ to burst through your sphincter? One thing’s for sure, you can’t let it out here. You know how loud it sounds when someone sneezes or coughs, but those are acceptable noises to make (albeit alarming). You might even be proud of a particularly nice sneeze. A fart, however, lacks the grace of a cough or the nobility of a good throat-clearing. It’s just nasty! Maybe your gassy outburst will be of the silent type, you don’t know though— it might end up being as noisy as it is noisome, resounding through this spacious edifice like a wet clap of thunder on a still summer night.

First things first: don’t panic. That will only tighten your bowels and make this whole situation worse for you. That being said, I’m afraid there’s no way to help you. No, if you fart here, and fart you will, there’s no chance it will go unheard. If you think you can shuffle all the way to the bathroom without letting one rip, dispose of this notion at once. You can’t, you’re only dreaming. If you’ve got a real good clench going though, and fortune is smiling upon you, you might make it to the book shelves. Try and get between two of them, if possible a corner. That way the sound and some of the stench can be absorbed by the porous pages of any tomes within your blast radius, to remain trapped forevermore as long as no one opens them.

Another option is to try and specially time a fake cough. This can be difficult if your flatulence is followed by a rapid series of bursts or if it’s released in one long, drawn out, whimpering squeal. You might want to try the classic cough/throat-clear pairing to try and get extra time. You can also move your chair back, scraping it along the floor. Or just unplug your earphones and play iTunes really loud. Obviously all these tactics will annoy people, but at least they won’t laugh at you and think you crass. Even if you do somehow get away with it, at the end of the day you will know just what you did. Your shame will never depart, not even when the dank, spicy tang of your wrongdoing is long since passed.