This past Saturday, College sophomore Rikki Li (C’21) went to a social event for Christians on Campus and got plastered for the first time in a long time.  Well, basically since last Monday.

“Oh my gosh, I loved the feeling,” Li gushed.  “I never knew how much I really needed to let loose for Jesus after a rough week.”

When asked about what she had to drink, Li explained: “well, definitely no reds because, duh, we can’t dishonor the blood of Jesus. So I just went in with straight vodka. I wasn’t sure how much was one serving so I just eyeballed it into a nearby chalice. Oh, and one of those little ‘body of our lord’ crackers.  Except infused with vodka.”

Li went on, “It tasted a lot like gasoline, which believe me, does NOT taste as good as you may think. But after a few shots, I felt a burning, red-hot zeal for Christ alongside my fellow brothers and sisters. I truly felt God’s love surrounding me.”

She was, in fact, burning up from the effects of Asian glow, and her face showed a hue that a Franzia box might call “sunset blush.”

“I can’t really remember the rest of the night, but I think I transcended a new level of spirituality with the Lord. I reached the point where the human mind cannot fathom the mysteries of God, which is probably why I don’t remember anything at all.”

This sequence of events all took place within the first 15 minutes of the event, and Li’s saintly roommate, who was also present, dragged her body back to her dorm, a scene that was decidedly much less poetic than Christ carrying the cross to the site of his crucifixion, by all accounts.

When questioned about the next morning, Li responded, “when I vomited, it was a cleansing experience. I think it was God’s way of telling me to purge out all of my sin. I’ll definitely be back again next week!”

Although it is still a mystery what Li did that night, she was definitely banned in perpetuity from any Christians on Campus events in the future.