AI generated image of boat dumping waste into contaminated waterway.

Favorite ways to drink latex infested water

To help you face of the environmental disaster polluting our dear Philadelphia waterways and the subsequent shortage of bottled water (which, by the way, has already poisoned your blood with microplastics), we handcrafted a list of effective ways to stay hydrated off of latex solution.

Enhance the taste

  • Cough syrup and sprite.
  • Mix it with vodka.
  • Mix it with expired commons milk.
  • Eat it with contaminated Commons food.
  • Spice it up with paprika and a hint of lime.
  • Just put it w cantaloupe….u cant tell the difference.
  • Drink it out of your Liz Magill Inauguration cup.
  • Make a nice pumpkin spice latte out of it.
  • Add a teaspoon of bleach.
  • Freeze it into popsicles.
  • Brush your teeth with tequila instead.
  • A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
  • Denial. I actually enjoy consuming micro plastics.
  • Denial. It tastes amazing as is.
  • Denial. It’s basically just kool-aid.

Find an alternative source

  • Double-filter your water by pouring it in and out of a hydroflask.
  • Drink straight out of the biopond like a horse.
  • Lick the condensation off the drink coolers in the halal trucks.
  • Go to the schuylkill and drink straight from the source.
  • Let the rats at it.
  • Extraction with DCM followed by two distillations and a vacuum filtration.
  • Are you drinking then pissing then drinking it again or are you mixing the pee with the contaminated water?
  • Don’t drink anything…resist big water.

Only if you’re into it

  • Piss.
  • Jokes on you, I’m into latex.
  • Add lube for a smoother experience.
  • Get a frat guy to talk the water out of using latex. no glove needed for love.
  • Booming Voice: The water is not contaminated. There is no war in ba sing se.

We’re sure that when George Washington crossed the Delaware 255 years ago, the free country he imagined creating would allow businesses to poison drinking water without fear.

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