Penn is totally like 1984: a Special Report by Pox News

Good evening. I’m Dean Browning, reporting for Pox News.

Last year, I raised concerns that Penn was becoming a haven for dirty socialists. Since COVID is no longer a thing (it never was), I recently travelled to Penn to gain first-hand evidence of how our youth are being indoctrinated by this Leftist institution, like something out of Orwell’s 1984. I didn’t have to look too hard— as soon as I stepped on campus, I overheard this conversation between two young men wearing jackets with Greek letters (probably some form of Marxist academic conspiracy).

Student 1: Dude, did you pull up to the party last night?

Student 2: Bruh, you think the brothers would let me miss it?

Student 1: Nice, I got so wasted, I blacked out and woke up in the basement.

CONFIRMED. Big Brother is always watching, on behalf of the Party. These men had been brainwashed to the point where they experienced memory loss. I couldn’t believe that this Ivy League institution, alma mater of the most morally upstanding President, had been reduced to such an ideologically bankrupt state.

I thought that would be the worst of it, but I was wrong. In 1984, Orwell described an ideology called Ingsoc, a Newspeak shortening of “English Socialism.” To my greatest shock and horror, I found that there seems to be a similar ideology spreading amongst Penn students: H-Soc, a Newspeak shortening of “Health and Societies.” 

I heard someone refer to herself as an “H-SOC Major”, and I assumed it was some form of military title. I decided to interview this Major of H-SOC, to find out more about how the militant leftist youths are waging war on our nation’s values.

Me: Why did you decide to become a Major in HSOC?

HSOC Major: Good question. I don’t know.

Me: Answer the question. Why did you decide, against how you were brought up, to become an HSOC Major?

HSOC Major: I’m really into interdisciplinary thinking and whatever. Did my parents send you? Tell them it’s too late, I’m practically halfway through junior year. 

I realized that Penn had trained her too well in evasive tactics, and I was not going to get anything useful out of this Major.  I then remembered what my smokin’ hot wife Karen always does: ask to speak to a manager or a higher-up.

Me: Where can I find the General of HSOC?

HSOC Major: Uh… gen-eds? I don’t know, I’m still trying to fill my Physical World requirement, let me know if you find an easy class on Penn Course Review. Thanks, bestie.

I retreated, and continued walking until I found the only sane person on this campus: a true American, holding up a sign that said “Obey Jesus or Hellfire.” A crowd of students was gathered around him, jeering and laughing. I was horrified by this blatant display of groupthink.

“Just destroy them with FACTS and LOGIC,” I yelled, trying to get his attention like Julia during the Two Minutes Hate. Sadly, the crowd continued to persecute him as he called them all out for masturbating. I realized that there was nothing I could do but return home, with this proof of Penn’s debauchery to warn my viewers.

But it wasn’t over. As I went to the 40th Street SEPTA station, I saw a rat scurry beneath a bench. There were definitely rats in 1984. Right? We must stay vigilant against these Leftist Youths, or their Orwellian Dystopia will envelop us all. America, we are facing another Red Scare and we must act Swiftly before it is too late.

Thank you for tuning into this week’s Special Report. Cucker Tarlson, it’s now back over to you in the studio.

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