Trump Therapy Petition Obtains Record Number of Signatures

BREAKING. 11:17 a.m. EST
A petition begun last night at 11:17 p.m. EST had, as of 2:43 a.m. EST, broken the record for most signatures on any petition. The 6.2 billion signatures mean that the majority of the people on this planet Earth have accessed, read, and agreed with the same document. Or, some very determined internet trolls are at it again — those pesky troublemakers!
“Petition for President Trump To Personally Pay for Everyone’s Therapy” is trending on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Only 12 hours after its creation, it is the most popular search on Google and has been reported on by every major news network. The petition was created by An0nYMz, who claimed through email to be deadmau5’s cousin but declined to provide any additional identifying information.
“Does it matter who I am?” An0nYMz wrote. “Just look at how many signatures this has gotten. I can be anyone and so I speak for everyone. People I’ve never met, will never meet. In this divisive, terrifying world, there IS a bond that ties us all. We would all like Donald Trump to personally pay for our therapy sessions.”
Everly Hammond, 44 of New York City, said, “I signed this petition because I’ve probably spent several thousand dollars on therapy since December of 2016. I started by just doing one of those text services but when I followed the President on Twitter I had to find an in-person therapist, and you wouldn’t believe how scarce those are right now.”
“Has everyone forgotten that he’s been implicated in at least one crime by a guilty party?” asked Lewis Lerd, 28, when stopped to ask about the petition. “I ask Dr. D, my therapist, that every three days. She doesn’t have an answer. She just says ‘Yeah, probably.'” Lerd ripped hairs from his shaggy beard. “Probably? How?”
At the time of publication, the petition had received no response from the President except a series of angry tweets calling it “fake news.” Political analysts doubt that he will pay for anyone’s therapy. “He has a history of not paying for stuff,” said Dr. Elgerman, a political science professor at University of Virginia.

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