Ouch! Girl Who Online-Shopped Through Every Lecture Still Did Better Than You on Final

“I honestly have no words,” explained Rebecca Dubbets (C’20).

Dubbets, sipping her Saxby’s black coffee in Metropolitan Bakery, told the Punch Bowl that she was just about to start applying for summer 2019 internships (in December? So late to the game, good God) when it happened. She received a text from her LING001 “study” partner, Hailie Bender (C’20). Bender’s eloquent message: “Final!!!!”

Dubbets frantically opened Canvas and checked her final exam grade. The moment of truth.


“B- … Seriously? I went to every single lecture, took really good notes, and actually tried. I’ll just say it,” explained Dubbets, “grades are the only thing that matter at Penn. Everyone knows it. This was supposed to be a stupid, easy-A class to fulfill Natural Science and Mathematics.”

Another text from Bender:

“How’d you do?? I got an A!! Couldn’t have done it without ya, girly. Thanks xox.”

Dubbets nearly threw her new iPhone X. “She spent every goddamn lecture online shopping. She once spent the entire hour of class debating between two different $295 plain-colored turtlenecks from Saks. She ended up buying both.”

Rest assured, that’s the last time Dubbets shares all of her notes, papers, and homework answers. That B- brought her down to an A- in the class.

“F-ing ridiculous,” said Dubbets.

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