Self-Declared 9th President of the University Passes Several New Rules

New article by Little Spoon, Noah Carey.

Inspired by recent events in Venezuela, University of Pennsylvania student Zack Andrews, a PPE major concentrating in screwing over the people, decided to declare himself President of the University. After announcing this on several forms of social media, including adding it to his online dating profile, Andrews broke into President Amy Gutmann’s office, where he barricaded himself for six hours before being removed. During his time in office, the now former President Andrews was able to pass several rules (also being referred to as “ExZackutive Orders”) through administration. While the legitimacy of these new policies is currently being debated by President Gutmann (now in her second term) and faculty, they are to go into effect immediately and students are expected to follow them. They are as follows:

  1. Van Pelt library bag checks to remain, however students may get TSA Pre-Check to bypass the lines:
    Penn is committed to the prevention of library books being stolen but is also committed to efficiency. Students with TSA Pre-Check will be able to make a speedy exit by not having to open their bags for security. Penn sees no loss in security as this is about as effective as our current bag check method.
  2. Two-Step verification to be changed to Dub-Step Verification:
    Students who attempt to log into Canvas will be sent a text message with a semi-popular dub step song from 2011. Students will then be required to sing the song to their computer or mobile device. Students are required to use their voice only. Playing the song back on your phone will not work. Failure to successfully perform said dub-step song will result in the termination of your device.
  3. Penn student groups will no longer have to register their parties, as long as they agree to only serve beer that has been brewed without corn syrup:
    Penn wants nothing but the highest of health for their students. That is why they implemented the party registration rule in the first place; to prevent under age drinking. Penn has finally realized this is virtually impossible to stop. The university figures, though, that they could at least encourage students to drink healthier beer. (Penn has denied receiving financial support from Bud Light to enforce this rule, however Penn faculty have been reported to have increased their usage of the phrases “Dilly Dilly,” and “Long live the Bud Knight!”)
  4. Students with excess dining dollars can now use them to purchase meal swipes from students who have too many:
    Penn realizes that their meal plans are the most over-priced, least bang for your buck food option since it was leaked that Subway’s footlong sandwiches are only eleven inches. But Penn also really likes money. This new rule will at least create slightly more fair conversion rates between meal swipes and dining dollars, as well as allow for the market to determine the value of dining dollars and meal swipes. And Penn gets to keep taking your money.
  5. Sophomores who will be forced to live on campus will be allowed to live in the Quad:
    Hopefully this will stop students from complaining after they realize they could possibly spend two years in such a wonderful living environment. Penn will also extend this offer to current freshman, as they surely have already formed special bonds with their current hall mates and pests, and have grown attached to the dingy, pre-Great Depression ambiance the building has.

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