Is Your Hookup a Literal Snake or a Wharton Student?

Is the person you are infatuated with, the person you are looking to have a Spring fling with, a literal snake or a Wharton student? While I personally would not recommend dating either one, everyone has their preferences and I suppose masochism is a valid kink. I cannot tell you whether the Whartonite you are interested in is a living, breathing snake or a regular student without meeting them person, but I do have this  list of questions for you to ask yourself:

When they enter the DMs, do they slide into them, dive into them, or slither into them?

All three methods are valid, but I have never seen a normal college student slither into anything, if your person slithers into your DMs, watch out they are probably a snake!

When they are performing oral sex, do they completely unhinge their jaw?

If they do, you are very lucky. It is possible you are sleeping with a very dedicated Wharton human. They will outperform your exes in everything, including tongue manipulation. But, when have Wharton students cared about giving pleasure to their colleagues? How many humans are capable of unhinging their jaws at will? If your partner does this, they are probably a snake.

When they cuddle with you, does it feel more like a snake wrapping itself around your body searching for potential weakness and possibly trying to ingest you, or does it feel like the warm body of someone you care about holding you gently?

This is pretty self-explanatory. While Wharton students may always be looking for your potential weaknesses, doing this while cuddling is a sign of absolute disrespect and a toxic relationship. If your partner does this, please extricate yourself from the relationship. On the other hand, this behavior is not abnormal in snakes. In fact, healthy snakes are prone to exactly this type of behavior. But please remember, just because a snake is healthy does not mean you should be in a relationship with it.

When they are looking for a snack, do they hit you up with a cute text, do they run to FroGro, or do they slither into cracks in your walls and your ventilation ducts to look for mice?

If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. People do not eat mice. Snakes do that. If your significant other is looking for mice whenever they get the munchies, be warned. They are probably a snake. No one wants to date a snake.

I hope these questions prove to be as helpful to you as they were to me, and many of my friends. Here’s hoping your favorite hookup buddy is not a snake.

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