Freshman Achieves Enlightenment in First Philosophy Class

PHILADELPHIA, PA- Students in Intro to Philosophy (PHIL 001) at the University of Pennsylvania were stunned on Monday when a first year student achieved enlightenment. Jake Thomas (C’23) shocked his fellow classmates when he broke through and comprehended the full power and meaning of the universe just moments into the day’s lecture, which concerned the basic principles of traditional Buddhist thought.

According to fellow classmate, Ken Williams (C’22), “The professor was just starting off by introducing the concept of nirvana and its meaning within the faith when Jake just started floating. He was sitting crisscrossed while being shrouded by a powerful ethereal light emanating from his body…..It was kinda weird, man.”

“The professor asked him to sit back down because his ascension was disrupting the flow of the lesson, but he just kept on floating. I mean, good for him and all, but I’m just trying to get this Quantitative Reasoning credit,” Williams continued.

When asked about what precipitated this rare moment of tremendous spiritual importance, Thomas was fairly nonchalant: “It just clicked. I don’t know much about-what was his name-Gautama? Guatemala? Or something …But it just made sense for me when the professor laid it out. My third eye, like, opened, you know?”

Despite this profound shift in his perception of the world and the very nature of life itself, Thomas intends to remain on track to be a finance major.

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