Unfortunately, you read that title correctly. Due to Penn’s policies of equality, fairness and overall poor sense of humor, Halloween has been officially cancelled on campus. This means no more slutty nurse costumes (which could upset nursing students who have spent way too much time and money to be made fun of), no slutty lumberjack costumes (which have been deemed offensive to male student athletes who want to be seen as more than just their muscular bodies), and absolutely no more slutty nuns (because the Catholic Church has enough problems to deal with already).

    This may come as a shock to some, but before you demand change, remember that this is likely for the best. No longer must you struggle to find a low-key costume for that one frat party you’re not entirely sure is costumed or not, and you definitely won’t need to worry about offending anyone when you finally do decide on something in CVS’s decimated Halloween aisle on the way there.

    When asked for comment, a representative of the cultural diversity center on campus said, “Over the years, we’ve seen these costumes push closer and closer to the line of culturally insensitive. I think we’ve finally reached that point. I mean, who hasn’t gotten offended on behalf of Latin-American students when they see a sorority girl dressed up as a slutty Dora the Explorer? It’s a mockery of the culture! And also just like kind of creepy when you think about it.”

    The only alternative to this solution the Board of Trustees considered was adding a “Costume Approval Portal” on PennInTouch where students could submit a photo and description of their costume in order to have it approved or rejected by a panel of “woke” students. The committee decided against this method, however, since finding a group of “woke” enough students could prove to be a daunting task for a group of people not of this generation whom, as studies have repeatedly shown, are so not “woke” they might as well be asleep.

    The Board will reconvene sometime later this month to reconsider their decision, but for now it’s best that you hang up that slutty Where’s Waldo costume you’ve been working on all year and get prepared to be trashed in your normal clothes this Halloween.