Listen. I have been hearing a lot these days about Penn’s “toxic” drinking culture. I am just here to say that I totally disagree with the idea that the students at this fine Ivy League institution drink too much.

In fact, they do not drink enough.

Yeah, kids at Penn drink a lot, but so do kids at other schools. If we truly want to consider ourselves the best, then we must step up our game and consume more alcohol. Also, I have been to London. I have seen people drink a pint or two with their steak and eggs at 10AM, and that is socially acceptable, nay, it is EXPECTED. If I want to do three tequila shots at 11:30 AM while I choke down some toast before CIS 120, then let me do my shots and choke down my toast. If it really bothers you, close your eyes and mind your business. I’ve heard all the arguments about alcoholism and liver damage, and honestly if you are just going to repeat that same old nonsense to me, you can save your breath. My liver is fine. I literally checked it the other day when I chugged a whole bottle of vodka. It holds up quite well, thank you very much.

And I do my best work when I am drunk. It is easier for me to make sense of the numbers when they start dancing around. It’s easier for me to understand my computer science work when I feel that I can truly identify with my computer. Abstract concepts start to make sense when everything is a blur. Besides, alcohol feels good. If something feels good, it can’t be bad, right? Join me, fellow Penn students, as we drink more together.