The “Tragedy” of Toad

In response to: link to extremely relevant Onion article 

The Onion’s recent news about the death of beloved Mario character, Toad, has deeply shaken the gaming community. As someone who once had a crush on Toad when she was eight, I felt this tragedy personally and deeply. 


However, something about the concise nature of the article and vague circumstances of this so-called “death” didn’t add up. Maybe it’s just denial due to my inability to cope with the loss of a childhood love, but the data just isn’t there. So the question must be asked, what really happened? Are we really meant to just blindly accept the word of a site that often laughs in the face of truth?


With a little digging and a few less-than-legal interviews with hospital staff, I have reason to believe that Toad’s death certificate was faked. The security footage of the area was conveniently “not just available to any random person who walks in here,” and I was even asked, “how the hell did you get in here anyway?” When confronted, the doctor on call at the time refused to talk to me.  All of this suspicious behavior leads me to one conclusion: Toad faked his own death. 


But why would a character so beloved by Mario fans of all ages need to disappear? With Yoshi’s now infamous and ongoing tax fraud investigation, the timely “death” of Toad seems all too relevant. One can only assume that Toad’s disappearance means the feds were getting a little too close. The only clues left to follow are a string of Cayman Island bank accounts, a series of suspicious credit card charges in the weeks leading up to his death, and a missing stash of gold coins large enough to buy all the 1-Ups in the world.


I’ll try and keep you all updated, as I leave for the Caymans tomorrow morning. If I don’t make it back, know this: there’s been a suspicious go-kart following my every movement today. I think I saw Luigi behind the wheel. I’m getting close. And I get the feeling he doesn’t like that.

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