Thanksgiving Haikus- 2020

Zoomsgiving To-Do:

Hide router. Hide charger cord

“Oops. My laptop died.”


This is the right

Number of syllables

I stopped the count


DIY concept

Turn tin foil from turkey

Into helpful hats


Oy vey! I just found

Ivanka’s Hanukkah list:

Goya beans, dad’s love


Everything’s on zoom

Including this holiday

Aunt still called me fat


Ugh, Gosh here she comes

Stupid cousin went vegan

Heard it 16 times


Thanksgiving is here

Time to spend with family

I’ll be in my room


Can you wear a mask

Yes, I know that we’re on zoom

I just hate your face


Grandma can’t work zoom

Neither can my stupid Aunt

Happy Thanksgiving


Saying grace on zoom

Watching people eat their food

Now Grandma’s frozen


Xbox is sold out

Stuck inside with my parents

God I miss vodka


A Small gathering

Filled with positivity

Very black friday


A toast to COVID

No more politics at the

Dinner table now


Failure to distance

COVID-19 trampling lives

Who needs black friday


Thanksgiving prayer

Pause of silence for the lord?

Grandma still muted


I am doing fine

in these UnpreceDeNTeD

times. And how are you?


Happy thanksgiving

Let’s bring COVID to grandma’s 

The Columbus way


This year’s thanksgiving 

Trump doesn’t pardon Turkey

Civil war breaks out


Thanksgiving at home

Is like food at Four Seasons 

(Total Landscaping)


Forced to write haikus 

Pretending to count fingers

Two more years of this 


Still shorts season here

But I guess for the frat guys 

Shorts are all year round 


Hey on the bright side

It’s not common app season 

Just job app season 


Maybe I’ll catch up 

On three months worth of lectures

This break. Probs not though


Gritty broke loose, killed

Dozens of Turkeys. Bad things

Happen in Philly 


Where is everyone?

No one likes our family 

So we eat alone 


At last, time to eat!

I take a bite of turkey 

Mom your food sucks dick 


So many pumpkins

I’m sick of pumpkin spices

Please let me eat mint


I want to go home

Oh wait i’m already here

Get me the hell out


Leaves fell off the trees

Now everything looks so dead

Just like me inside


It’s finally cold

I can’t wait to wear sweaters!

Wait now I’m too hot…


Ate too much stuffing

Also ate too much turkey

Also too much pie


Get out of my room

I don’t want to see the fam

Let me play minecraft


I hate online school

But so does everyone else

So I’m not that cool


No motivation

To do anything at all

Just lie down and die


Grandma’s on the phone

Come say hi she misses you

Ugh do I have to?


Oh how much you’ve grown

Grandma you can’t tell, it’s zoom

What was that sweety?


“Mom says come downstairs

Also you’re a lazy shit”

“She did not say that”


Got yelled at by mom

Don’t even know what I did

I hate being home


Social distancing

Is a valid excuse for

Ignoring my dad


First break, since there was

No fall break. We did it boys,

we stopped corona!


Thanks, I’m giving you 

Two more chances before I

ghost you forever


I’m in a state of

Existential dread. But at

least it’s not Penn State.


I’m jealous of the 

turkey on the table. It

doesn’t have to Zoom.


It’s called Fall because

My GPA, self esteem

Both end up falling.


White people come 

Capitalism, free trade. 

It’s free real estate.


I am contagious.

I do not tell grandmother

Why? Inheritance 


Smoke for the munchies

“So, how do you like UPenn?”

Fuck, I’m paranoid 


Wrap up some blankets

It isn’t smallpox, I promise.

It’s COVID-19. 


Wait, what day is it?

My ancestors weren’t here yet.

Happy Hanukkah


Look at these families

Sad they can’t be together

Three cheers for divorce.


Family makes me stressed

So I go to the bathroom 

Time to masturbate 


Joe Biden won

My uncle still won’t shut up

This is Miami


Is this the real life

Bohemian Rhapsody 

Miss 2019


“Yay, two days of break

Love Penn’s generosity”… 

Guess I can’t lie, then.


Which do I hate more?

This shithole I call my home

Or Philadelphia


Efficiency is

Writing dozens of haikus 

Instead of classwork. 


Why can’t my classmates

Shut up in breakout rooms ?

We all didn’t read.


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