Time, space, homework. Who are you in this not-that-vast Penniverse? 

I am The Looker: I observe all that goes on in the Multiverse of Penn. For the record, I also kicked the Watcher’s ass once, so look out UltronVision (or whatever the hell your name is). I wanted to take some time today to introduce you to The Ivengers multiverse: the Ivy League’s mightiest (and douchiest) heroes. 

The team includes:

Captain Quaker 

• Majors in Ethics (as if those matter anymore).
• Wears way too tight of a costume.
• Believes in his school a little too much, but he leads the team, so I guess we can’t question it.

CobaltMan

• Blatantly narcissistic Engineering student.
• Constantly on the verge of getting cancelled.
• Makes annoying nanotech devices no one asked for, but looks cool, I guess.

The Sulk

• Realized when he got to Penn that he’s no longer the smartest in his class, which led him to either sulk around or get really angry.
• Is the reason the Button is broken.
• Has a green-ish tint because he’s always sick from drinking too much beer.

The Red & Blue Widow

• The only true badass on the team.
• Smart, quick, usually saves the day without credit.
• We don’t even need any more facts about her. She’s just fucking cool, lay off.

Dhor

• The god of opening and closing.
• Slams when angry.
• Has a hammer that controls the weather (but he’s hands-off with climate change).

The Walnut Wizard

• Switched from pre-med to art.
• Mostly uses his magical ability to make trippy visuals.
• Says he protects the universe but isn’t really around much when shit actually goes down.

The Ivengers joined together to tackle their first villain: The Loki of Locust. This variant of the God of Mischief came down through the Tesseract wormhole to begin his plan of replacing Amy Gutmann as the ruler of Penn.

His attack began with blocking off Locust Walk “for construction”. With the many students lost in confusion on their way to classes, he was able to sneak by and steal Amy’s scepter that holds the infamous Mind Stone, which she’d been using to brainwash every student and their families into thinking it was normal to raise already-expensive tuition in the middle of a pandemic. Loki knew this was the only way to overthrow her – without the stones’ powers, she’s just your average #GirlBoss. 

The Ivengers came in hot, because they only had the 15 minute break in between classes to defeat Loki. Captain Quaker threw his shield around to distract him, while the Red & Blue Widow yanked him onto the ground for the Sulk to smash.

Loki was able to use his powers of illusion to make the team think he was knocked out, but the Walnut Wizard saw through it and made a mystical tornado of student litter to swoop him up. This allowed Dhor to close on Loki with his hammer. CobaltMan finished up the job with a weird tech contraption that looked vaguely like some kind of BDSM set up, and BOOM! This Loki was ready for the TVA to come swoop him up and throw him on the planet of other Lokis. Luckily, as the Looker, I have some connections at the TVA, so I was able to ask them not to prune the entire timeline. It’s so silly how they always want to do that! 

Stay tuned for more stories and happenings in the PennCU. Once again, I am The Looker. I promise I’m not really creeping that much on you guys in the multiverse. I ask you all to ponder the question, What if… Penn was more exciting?