by David Faber
With school out and summer on the horizon, life is good. Now you may say, “Uh, Punch Bowl, I’m pretty sure summer started two months ago.” But it’s best that you don’t. Just nod politely as David Faber elaborates:
If you’re like me, then you’re probably sitting naked on your couch right now watching Scrubs reruns, bags under your eyes and a bag of chips in your hand. Unlike the rest of your friends, you partied it up the last few weeks of school instead of finding an internship or a summer job. You figured anyone (read: you) could get an internship, much less a job, right?
Except that your applications haven’t been accepted, no one has returned your phone calls, and you need money for that coke habit you picked up last semester. Without a job or something, you just might melt into the couch. Fortunately for your sake, here are four fail-safe ideas for a kickass summer:
Find A(ny) Job
Since all the decent jobs have been taken already, you don’t have very many options. It seems like the only places hiring are Wendy’s, the local grocery store, and that homeless guy under the bridge. Unfortunately, you’re a vegetarian now (ever since you learned Wendy’s was hiring) and you’re above bagging groceries. Which leaves the homeless guy under the bridge.
Sure, his life may be in shambles, his clothes made of rags, and his speaking abilities severely limited, but look on the bright side – picking up trash and wheeling it around in a stolen shopping cart toughens your moral fiber. You can really get into character for that play about the plight of the homeless you’ve been meaning to think about writing. He’ll even show you how to hunt for food in the urban jungle. Plus, he’s agreed to pay you in bottle caps!
Pickup A(ny) Hobby
With all the time in the world, there has never been a better time to pickup a hobby. The possibilities are endless; why not start carving wood? It will keep your hands and mind busy as you craft little figurines and tobacco pipes out of that scrap wood you found in your backyard. Maybe you could learn to knit? Or perhaps you could finally take that Italian cooking class?
If you just can’t make up your mind, feel free to combine hobbies, knitting pot covers, carving wooden spoons, and gorging on fettuccine alfredo to your hearts (dis)content. Whichever route you decide to take, your hobby will become a lifelong skill you can treasure and enjoy for the rest of your days.*
Hang Out With Friends
Oh wait – they all have jobs. Fuck.
Expand Your Creative Thinking Process
No, your waist isn’t the only thing you can expand over the summer. To really work those brain cells, challenge yourself each day to do something fun and innovative using the items around your house. The key is using unassuming items in a brand new, original way.
For example: remember those ancient legos in your closet? They make great projectiles to be thrown at passerby and/or family members. Your Barbie dolls and Beanie Babies? Perfect for sitting on a shelf and being ignored. And the Hot Wheels cars you used to spend hours rolling around the floor? Well… they’re still great for that.
Despite what conventional wisdom says, summer isn’t just a time to enjoy the weather and get a great tan. No, it’s much, much more than that. It’s a time to try new things, be adventurous, and carve the shit out of some wood. Just get your shots before going to work for the homeless guy.
*Which may be numbered, as you are gorging on fettuccine alfredo.