by Alexander Jacobson
Whartonite souls are depreciating and there is nothing our business-minded friends can do about it… except sell out. Here are the 8 commandments every Whartonite should follow when liquefying his soul to buy stock options.
1) First and foremost, price it right. Either offer to trade it for a new belt and pray for a bidding war, or ask 450 grand in hopes of doping someone into thinking that you’re not selling for a reason.
2) You need to admit blemishes, so buyers won’t think you’re lying, but you can’t be too honest or those ‘blemishes’ will become ‘flaws.’ Note: White collar crime is only “illegal” if your secretary blabbers her mouth about it. Se to it that she sleeps with the fishes.
3) Vintage = just plain valuable. Old = just plain shitty.
4) Describe the ordinary and mundane as if it were exquisite and probably valuable. Record “counseled at summer camp” as ‘has made children happy by frolicking through the woods with them.’ Write volunteer hours every high school student does as “has spent hours with children in an orphanage.’ Describe that time you carpooled because your Beamer broke down as “has saved trees by carpooling with young children.” Oh, and do your best not to sound like a sex-offender.
5) Time your post appropriately. Don’t post on a Sunday night because church raises spirits. Post Saturday afternoon when your buyer is waking up to find one empty bottle of Petrone, fifteen strangers’ wallets, six carved likenesses of polytheistic gods, and a confession note specifying precisely how they broke the other seven commandments. You want your ad at the top of the page.
6) Who says you should stop at your soul? Sell your friends souls. Souls don’t have escrow companies. It’ll give your Harrison Ford impression a whole new depth. “See you in hell.”
7) Make sure it’s cross-listed with “soul-patch.” Balding middle-aged hippies are bound to want a clean slate and, while yours may not be spotless, you sins weren’t committed on acid.
8) Put it on Ebay, everything brings more on Ebay.