On Saturday, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange managed to steal a copy of Natalie Portman’s first draft of her Oscar acceptance speech before his date with an underage girl. This is what he found:
Wow. Thanks for the applause everyone. Seriously, I have to give a speech, so uh stop clapping. Even you, Adam Sandler. What are you doing here anyways? I can’t say that I am surprised I won this Oscar. While I thought that shaving my head for V for Vendetta would surely win me the prize, I guess it took the portrayal of a delusional ballerina to prove that people really do enjoy messed up shit. Was it worth starving myself for seven years and getting sexy with Mila Kunis? Definitely. I even managed to become pregnant. Speaking of which, does anyone have any pickles? Or cookies? Just make sure they are vegan. Save the animals! There are so many people I want to thank, so I’m going to stay here for a while because we all know I’m more fun to look at than Anne Hathaway. I’m confused as to how she landed this hostess job, I mean Bride Wars and Princess Diaries are on my list of movies that should be destroyed by alien midgets. I would like to start off by thanking my parents. By sending me to Solomon Schechter, they showed me that I really am the most attractive Jewish girl to ever live in Long Island. Besides Rosie O’Donnell. Oh wait, she isn’t a Jew but she certainly eats like one. I would also like to thank Annette Bening because she truly showed me how to be an angry lesbian. I guess I was even better than she was; my deepest apologies to The Kids are All Right. Speaking of kids, I hope mine is all right after all of that rolling around with Ashton Kutcher. You’re welcome Ashton, for being the closest thing you will ever get to an Oscar. I actually rooted for Dude Where’s My Car before I realized that the movie was more hated than Hosni Mubarak. It’s ok, you still have an incredible body. Not as good as Mila’s though. No homo.
I would also like to thank those actors who realized that their names were too Jewish sounding to ever win an Oscar or to be considered attractive. Changing my last name from Hershlag to Portman was like Danny Devito suddenly transforming into a George Clooney and was one of the most decisions I have ever made. Besides going to Harvard. As I said before, I would rather be smart than be a movie star. Now, I get to have both! Go Jews! I would also like to thank my husband Benjamin for being the only straight male ballet dancer ever. You managed to like me despite the fact that my ribs became weapons and my boobs shrunk to the size of wrinkled peas. Ballet is difficult but our practices became excellent foreplay routines. You may even be able to see some clips at Jewish-girls-saying-OY.com. It has been a long journey but it has truly been rewarding and amazing. Let me tell you, being a pushy Israeli really gets you places. And those places aren’t only limited to the falafel shack. I would also really like to give a shout out to my homeland, Israel. Despite what Lebanon, Syria, Mel Gibson, and Iran say, you are loved soo much! So is there anyone else I want to thank? Oh yeah, Rice Krispie treats just because they are so delicious. And I would also just like to give a shout out to Britney Spears. People have given her so much shit for having children and singing crappy songs but let me just say a couple of words in her defense. First, as far as we know, she’s never eaten her young, which already puts her ahead of rats, hamsters, and some rabbits. Second, I don’t really have anything else to say about her. Ok, well my water just broke all over by 1000-dollar shoes so it’s time to leave. I guess I should thank the Academy, which is probably just a bunch of egomaniacal communists. See you next year for the sequel to Black Swan entitled: Ballerinas Need to Eat. Love to all!