Diatribe of a Hashtag

Hey, you. Yeah, I’m looking at you. I know who you are, you self-righteous, arrogant, liberal prick. I know the shit you’ve been saying when I’m not around. That I’m annoying. That I’m pretentious. I’m irrelevant and overused. Well I’ve got news for you, assclown, I’m a hashtag, so you can take your Pea Coats, recycled boxes, and expensive hummus and shove it, because I’m here to stay.

I’ve taken a lot of shit recently, mostly from asshats like you, because I’m popping up more than mildly racist jokes in Rush Hour.  “Your only purpose is to designate numbers”, you groan. “Sometimes you don’t even make sense.” You hate that that I appear six times at the end of a 140 character post?  You die a little inside when I’m five words fudged together illegibly? Well, Mr. Chomsky, you are ludicrously misinformed: people adore me. I’m the best thing to happen to the Internet since Al fucking Gore. I appear more on Facebook than your ex-girlfriend right after you broke up. I’m the badass version of air quotes. Every keg stand, every study session, every sorority girl dropping her Blackberry into the toilet depends on my very existence.

Without me, who would know that Rachel the Comm. major was #nerding when she used her calculator for the first time since ninth grade? Nobody would know that the freshman taking breaks from vomiting to make out is in #College!!!. Think of how lost you’d be without me, and think of just how powerful I can make you.  So excuse me for communicating inside jokes.  Sorry for repeating the original post just to make sure you understand it. I’m just trying to help out, so back off or my older brother the tic-tac-toe board will beat your ass.

I’ve got some words for you, you bush-league, mustachioed, hairy imbecile. Embrace me.  Love me.  I’m there when you need me to describe that time you got #sofullfromeatingQdoba.  There I am when you make up a new #acronym that describes how #high you are.  So get your #head out of your #ass, wipe the #residue from your #eyes, and see the radiant #beacon of #Internetsuperiority that I am.  I’m a hashtag, dammit, and if you don’t like me you can suck my @ss. #pwnd.

Leave a Reply