Penn Betches Love This: Beyoncé (The Queen Betch)

From Punch Bowl’s betchiest Betch, Gretchen Weiner.

Since a Penn betch is the cream of the crop, it is only natural that her love for Beyoncé, much like her SAT score, is considerably higher than that of the average betch. We have our reasons for exalting the Queen Bey to the goddess status of our other betchy role models (A-Gutt, Tory Burch, and your spinning instructor, Sydney). Just in case you were one of the posing betches that likes Beyoncé but doesn’t quite know why, here are five of the infinite reasons why Sasha Fierce is our betch of the week past, present, and future:

Reason 1:  Listening to Destiny’s Child reminds you of your younger Betch days spent wearing Juicy tracksuits and drinking smoothies to stop the aching of totally un-betchy braces (ew). Meanwhile, Sasha Fierce was a smart fucking betch and dropped those glorified back-up dancers like they were hawt. Watching those betches try to sing next to Beyoncé at the Super Bowl was like watching Owls struggle to stay relevant. After all her name is Beyoncé. Can you imagine worshipping a betch with a common name like Kelly or Michelle? (Of course the first lady is an exception fucking duh).

Reason 2: That. Bod. You have to respect a betch that makes you want to hit the gym, a betch that makes you want to swap your Chipotle burrito bowl for two spoonfuls of Chobani. Sure your friends told you how uh-mazing you looked at last Thusday’s downtown because you were skinny-arming every photo. But betches take note: just because your Snapchats disappear in three seconds doesn’t mean that quarter-pounder you drunk ate does.

Reason 3: Beyoncé wakes up to Jay-Z. Every. Fucking. Day. Penn betches can only hope to wake up to a hairy Jew in a tier 1 frat like 3 days a week, maximum. Penn betches love Jay-Z because Made in America was his idea and there’s nothing a betch likes more than EDM, Drake, being patriotic, and an excuse to roll face (but Jay-Z can we please have cell service next time—we couldn’t even Snapchat pics of us on a boy’s shoulders). P.S. Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s collective net worth is 4.1 billion. And you thought you’d make bank at Goldman….Take a hint from Beyoncé and give up on OCR already.

Reason 4: Betch-oncé is more qualified to be the United State’s emblem than the bald eagle. When was the last time you identified with a bird (Chi-O don’t answer)? Never. Obama got inaugurated at her concert, basically. Plus since Obama and Beyoncé are BFFs I’m sure he wouldn’t mind her face on the carpet of the oval office instead.

Reason 5: She had a baby. And named her baby Blue Ivy. You have to be a bold betch (rd: SUPER SUCCESSFUL BETCH) to get away with that one, and look damn fit while doing it. Beyoncé is a mom and still dances 587,342 times better than you thought you were when you were blackout dancing on Castle’s bar. That’s a fact. (Also, next time, wear shorts—just because we love the Vagina Monologues doesn’t mean we want to see yours).  Oh yeah and best part about Blue Ivy is that one day, like all celebrity offspring, she and Jay-Z will inevitably tour Penn… and when the two are swayed by Eric Furda’s charm, Blue Ivy Carter will enter the class of 2030 and will most definitely pledge your sorority.  Only the best for a betch, am I right?

For more betchiness check out:

BETCH BETCH Sororities!

Penn Betches Love This: Going Downtown

Penn Betches Love This: Spinning

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