Recently, the high rises have switched to a new gate entry system, sparking confusion and fear in these uncertain times. Luckily, guest columnist Tristrum Tuttle is here with a handy how-to guide for the new card readers:
- Walk up to the card reader and punch in your 4-digit PIN.
- Place your PennCard against the scanner and wait for it to flash green.
- Wait a little bit longer.
- Ok it’s been flashing for like 15 seconds, what the fuck.
- Accidentally press another number on the scanner with your PennCard.
- Goddammit. Ok, wait for it to turn red. Now, re-enter your 4-digit pin.
- Hold up, are you the only person in line?
- Fuck this. No one else is here, it’s 4:00am, just hop the gate.
- Catch the top of the gate with your foot, then fall directly onto your clavicle.
- Your entire upper body is numb.
- Oh shit, here comes security. They actually can’t believe they just watched someone try to break into Rodin.
- The fire alarm just went off. God help you. Why is the fire alarm connected to the gate system?
- “Do you live here?” Of course you fucking live here.
- Great, they are looking at your PennCard. That should clear things up.
- What do you mean this is just a Chipotle gift card? Well, it was a PennCard a few minutes ago.
- Breathe deeply into the breathalyzer. All you had was half a pitcher of jungle juice, so you should pass this thing with flying colors.
- Call your parents. It’s been a long night, all they need to hear is that you are safe in sound at Penn…itentiary. You are at the state penitentiary.
- The cops found that secret pocket in your coat. Turns out the “one ounce or less, no charges pressed” law only applies to marijuana. You fucked up, big time.
- You’ve been expelled from Penn. Go to Rodin to pick up your stuff.
- Walk up to the card reader and punch in your 4-digit PIN. Place your PennCard against the scanner and wait for it to flash green.