Recently, the high rises have switched to a new gate entry system, sparking confusion and fear in these uncertain times. Luckily, guest columnist Tristrum Tuttle is here with a handy how-to guide for the new card readers:

1. Walk up to the card reader and punch in your 4-digit PIN.
2. Place your PennCard against the scanner and wait for it to flash green.
3. Wait a little bit longer.
4. Ok it’s been flashing for like 15 seconds, what the fuck.
5. Accidentally press another number on the scanner with your PennCard.
6. Goddammit. Ok, wait for it to turn red. Now, re-enter your 4-digit pin.
7. Hold up, are you the only person in line?
8. Fuck this. No one else is here, it’s 4:00am, just hop the gate.
9. Catch the top of the gate with your foot, then fall directly onto your clavicle.
10. Your entire upper body is numb.
11. Oh shit, here comes security. They actually can’t believe they just watched someone try to break into Rodin.
12. The fire alarm just went off. God help you. Why is the fire alarm connected to the gate system?
13. “Do you live here?” Of course you fucking live here.
14. Great, they are looking at your PennCard. That should clear things up.
15. What do you mean this is just a Chipotle gift card? Well, it was a PennCard a few minutes ago.
16. Breathe deeply into the breathalyzer. All you had was half a pitcher of jungle juice, so you should pass this thing with flying colors.
17. Call your parents. It’s been a long night, all they need to hear is that you are safe in sound at Penn…itentiary. You are at the state penitentiary.
18. The cops found that secret pocket in your coat. Turns out the “one ounce or less, no charges pressed” law only applies to marijuana. You fucked up, big time.
19. You’ve been expelled from Penn. Go to Rodin to pick up your stuff.
20. Walk up to the card reader and punch in your 4-digit PIN. Place your PennCard against the scanner and wait for it to flash green.