Sweetgreen Closes to Install More Bread Ovens, Students Lose Collective Minds

Beloved campus fast casual eatery, Sweetgreen, will have to close  for a second time this year for renovations and students are not happy about it.  Sweetgreen corporate released a statement through Penn administrative channels explaining that due to the frequent shortage of bread that students often complain of, they will be installing two new bread ovens so as to ensure that students always have something to collect all of their leftover dressing with. However, in order to install these ovens Sweetgreen must close.

A Sweetgreen employee who would like to remain anonymous for their own safety—both due to student rage and the uncomfortable amount of affection Penn students shower upon them—explained that, “It was a constant complaint that we got [that they would run out of bread].  When we’d say we had no bread left we just got these sad, dejected looks.  It makes me wonder what the f*** this place does to you all that bread is that important to you.  On the one hand, it’s a customer service improvement project and on the other hand, it’s just so we don’t have to pretend that your sadness over bread is valid or respond to it as if we care.  We’re only human.”

Though students understand the move, many are still concerned and upset about the temporary halt on their salad consumption.  “What am I supposed to do? Get a salad from Honeygrow or Hip City? Do I look like I’ve lost my mind to you?” said College Junior Sarah Raspin.

Raspin went on, leaning forward and speaking in a forceful whisper, “I’ve just gotten to the point where they know my order by heart: OMG Omega, chicken instead of fish, what am I? Made of money? Then I add rice and do spicy sunflower seeds instead of the nori.  They’re going to forget evertying! Ev-re-thing.”

“I know they’re doing it so we get bread, but dear lord, at what cost?” wondered Wharton Senior Jack Hansen.  “It was a hard time for all of us last time they closed, and I just don’t know that the Penn community can take another shock like this so soon after what happened a few months ago,” explained Jack.  When asked for clarification on what he meant Jack replied, “Oh, no, not the election, the last time Sweetgreen closed, but also the fact that Joe Biden isn’t our commencement speaker, that stings a bit too.”

Nursing Sophomore Jordan Laughlin had a different concern than Jack and Sarah.  “They complement me on my outfit every time I go into Sweetgreen on a slow night, they’re so nice to me. They’re probably better to me than my actual friends. I need that external validation and I don’t know where else I’m going to get it from.”

Despire Student unrest, another anonymous Sweetgreen employee offered this comfort, “We’re literally only going to be closed for a day. It’s going to be okay.”

Though pressed by many student groups for a response, at the time of publication Amy Gutmann has not yet released a statement on the issue.


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