All those annoying clubs on Locust are always taunting us with their tantalizing free food. But there’s always a damn catch. Punchbowl new member, Victoria Goodisman, went out into the field to figure out how to get that bread without joining a cult:

1. Sneak behind them

Try to sneak around behind the table. Maybe they’ll think you’re just one of those members who doesn’t usually show up. They’re much too socially awkward to call you out on it, anyway.

2. Camouflage

Grab a copy of the DP and hold it up in front of you. Then absolutely no one will see you. You’re practically invisible!

3. Sprint

Try to sprint past them and just… take it… like… really, really fast.

4. Wait for a group

Wait for a group of 2-4 people to walk up and distract them: that’s your chance to snag some snacks and leave. But make sure to watch out for spies! (the members of the club who are on the wrong side of the table and look like other hungry students until they pop up and confront you).

5. Don’t listen

In the event that they do notice you, just blankly stare at them and refuse to let any information about their club enter your brain. Shut off your ears and try to disassociate.

6. Use sleight of hand

While they’re blathering on about, what is this, beekeeping? Who cares. Just slide your hand closer to the box of insomnia. If you’re very subtle, they might not even notice you’ve taken anything.

7. Distract them

Grab a few cookies all at once. Like one for now, two for during your hour and a half long lecture and a few more for after. If they start to notice how much you’re taking, distract them with a vague, yet relevant, question: “So what’s the power dynamic between members like?”

8. MERT them

If distraction doesn’t work, call MERT! Then, as they’re getting carried off on the back of a bike, take as much free food as you want.

9. Take some extras

However you do it, always make sure to take home a few more so that you’re stocked up for a while. Just kidding! You know damn well you’re going to eat all these bad boys by yourself in one sitting. This definitely isn’t healthy, but maybe tricking someone into giving you food will let you feel powerful enough to forget your life is in a never-ending downward spiral. You don’t even really want the cookies, you just want to feel a sense of control in your life, however fleeting.

10. Give up

By now you’ve been standing by this table too long and are in way too deep. Just give up and sign up for their email list. I mean, how many emails about saving children can they possibly send you?

Update: it’s a LOT of emails