This week a student at Penn kidnapped the president of SPEC and tortured him until he gave up and admitted who would be headlining fling this year. All I have to say is: “thank god someone finally did it.” The Punch Bowl was sick and tired of waiting to hear who was going to headline fling. How were we going to make a relevant tank in time for fling if we didn’t know whom the headliner was? It was getting ridiculous. All this waiting was driving us crazy and something needed to change.

Upon capture the fling-secret-knower/president of SPEC initially said, “You’ll have to kill me first! I will never tell you who the headliner is!” But according to his captor and torturer, who wished to remain anonymous (and The Punchbowl is nothing if not respectful of anonymity), after a couple of hours he gave in. Apparently the SPEC director could not stand hearing that he’d find out what his torture would be soon, but the torture never came. This suspense drove him mad until he offered anything just to he could hear what his torture would entail. Only once he had volunteered the name of the headliner did he realize his folly: waiting in suspense to hear what his torture would be was his torture. And in a sick, taste-of-your-own-medicine twist, the anonymous captor forced the fling headliner out of the pretentious SPEC president.

So the Punchbowl is proud to announce that headlining this year’s fling will be: the FBI, who will need to conduct a full investigation in order to understand what happened to the SPEC president who is actually still missing. If anyone knows or has heard or seen anything please contact us at thepunchbowl@gmail.com.