Thanksgiving Haikus 2019

These don’t hang Themselves

Ornaments, stockings, garlands,

And Jeffrey Epstein


Come home for free food

Talk with your weird family

God I need vodka


It is Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Black Friday 

Please don’t trample me


Since it’s November 

Christmas time is almost here

Too bad I’m Jewish


Dumb family meal

Your turkey ain’t shit Karen

Imma yeet that bird


I’m Thankful For SEAS

Friends Working Until They Drop

I Still Have More Clout


What if we kissed and

We were both cousins? Haha,

That’s stupid…Unless…?


“She doesn’t love me” 

“Invited to thanksgiving?” 

“No, bro, Friendsgiving” 


I have a boyfriend

He is coming back for thanksgiving 

I have no boyfriend 


The holidays suck

Please don’t ask what I’m going

To do with my life


Espresso for my

extreme depresso. Thank you,

I’m sad and dying


Thankful for Frat Bros

Always Give Me Alcohol

Wait No… That’s Too Much


Table filled with food.

Time to use my tupperware

Sorry. Bad habit.


Finally back home

Oops,  drank too much. But not as

drunk as great aunt lou


What is Thanksgiving

I am international.

where is everyone


All Mariah wants

for Christmas is any form

Of her former fame


why did i come home?

i live for validation

Mom says I gained weight


my neck, my back, and

my life choices all attacked

thanks for the advice


One taught me love, one

taught me patience. Family?

I say ‘thank u, next’


Take me home, country

roads, to the place I belong.

anywhere but here.


I’ve Got Elf on Shelf

No Wait, That’s Amy Gutmann

Stop Denying Aid


This thanksgiving break 

I’m with my family and 

Tear gassed in Hong Kong 


There’s Chinese take out

Kung Pao chicken no turkey

U.S. holiday


Visiting Old Friends

Wait Nevermind There’s My Ex

See Y’all Winter Break


My doctor wrote me

An extra strong prescription

Ready for dinner


Football on tv,

Guys bein’ dudes in the den;

What’s better than this?


Time to walk with my

Cousins and smoke some reggie

Before our dinner


Turkey turkey yay

Turkey turkey turkey yay

Turkey turkey yay


Thanksgiving is here

And I am on break right now

But still, homework. Fuck. 


Mom is stressed. Dad is 

Stressed. Grandma is stressed. Me too.

Everyone is stressed.


On this thanksgiving,

I give my thanks to Amy G,

Our fearless leader.


Smoking weed with my

Cousins. Now, it’s dinner time.

Hell yeah, brother. Weed.


I hate my teacher

For giving homework this week.

Not thankful for you.


To the professors

Assigning work over break:

Not thankful for you.


Bloody thanksgiving.

The turkeys took up arms, killed.

Mass casualties.


Freud on thanksgiving

Baster as phallic symbol?

Yeah… not hungry now.


Oh christ. Family 

Talking politics. I stay 

Quiet about the left.


Grandmother, please stop 

Talking about Trump. Let’s watch

The Macy’s parade.


I am thankful for

The punch bowl. Hm… Wait, scratch that-

Not really. Sorry.  


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