Locust Hate-Preacher Devastated Classes are Online

“How am I supposed to scream in the face of a 19 year-old girl to warn her she’s going to Hell for wearing yoga pants, if I can’t see her bottom half over Zoom?” asked Jebidiah Davis, a preacher from the High Almighty Church of the Trinity who graces Locust Walk with his presence and passionate reminders a couple times each year.

He told the Punchbowl that 2020 has been really hard on him. “I’ll admit,” he added, “it’s also been a hard year for many others. Sinners, like people who have been gathering to protest for their rights and demand justice, need to be reminded of the hard truths now more than ever.”

When asked about these “hard truths,” he rattled off the classics: feminists want to take power away from white men, liberals want to fund universal healthcare and legalize marijuana, and protesters lately have been demanding that cops be fired just for using lethal force.

(Editor’s note: sounds great!)

Davis explained that he also had some new ideas he was excited to share at – sorry, with – students. “I was planning a new sign that would read ‘BEWARE! MASK-WEARERS ARE TRYING TO PREVENT YOU FROM BREATHING THE LOVE OF CHRIST UPON THEM.’”

“It just sucks. If mental health was real, I would be suffering.” Davis’ hypothetical devastation probably makes sense. In 2018, researchers from the US Dept. of Health and Human Services were unable to publish a study on the effects on men who do not have an outlet for their fragile masculinity, when their funding was cut, ironically, by the Trump administration.

And, of course, it’s particularly absurd Davis has to stay indoors with his loving family because the pandemic is a “hoax” to begin with.

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