5 Reasons Why Llamas are the Key to Reopening Penn

I, a sophomore social sciences major, came up with the perfect COVID19-proof solution to Penn’s reopening problem: Llamas.

I know, I know. We are facing an unprecedented economic crisis, whatever that means. I am well aware of the fact that Penn had to pause all its PhD admissions, and Amy G is probably struggling with her salary being stuck just below 4 million dollars, poor thing. However, I am of the firm opinion that in these troubled times, it is Penn’s fiscal responsibility to make the purchase of 10,448 llamas- one for every undergrad.

Here are 5 solid, well thought-out reasons why Penn should provide every student with a llama:

  1. Llamas have antibodies engineered to block the coronavirus. Why can’t we skip the whole annoying scientific extraction method part, and take the whole llama? Cut the middle man out, and reduce the transaction costs! It seems mercenary and superficial to only use llamas for their antibodies. By 2020, we should be  body positivity, not anti-body positivity. Granted, I haven’t fulfilled my Living World sector requirement yet, but I just KNOW that an entire llama would protect us just as effectively as whatever kind of treatment the scientists are trying to come up with.
  2. Llamas can effectively enforce social distancing. According to my Google search, llamas are about 5 feet in length. If we have one in between every student, that ensures the recommended 6 feet distance. How, you ask? If you get too close to a llama, thus violating social distancing guidelines, the llama will probably bite you— llamas do not care about your personal liberties. To quote that llama from the Emperor’s New Groove, “no touchy.”
  3. Llamas can enforce housing rules. Have you seen those guys? They take up so much space. If you have llamas in every room, there will definitely be no room for guests. It would be impossible to have a party in a room full of llamas (although if anybody wants to disprove this theory, I wouldn’t be mad).
  4. The llamas can feed off the grass in Franklin Field. Nobody’s using it anyway, right?
  5. i just really want a llama okay zoom university is stressful and i’m tired.

This has been my Llamanifesto, thank you for coming to my TED talk.

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