Friday Special: Top Ten Reasons I Won’t Date You

by Jana Hirsch

           Here at the Punch Bowl, we’re all about esprit de corps, and nothing fosters that like insults, one-upping and petty bickering. So when Jana Hirsch wrote up a reply list to Walker Hawkin’s “Top Ten Reasons You Should Date Me” piece published last Sunday, we were all for it. Tough luck, Walker.

Top Ten Reasons I Won’t Date You

10. “Top Ten” lists go in reverse order, dumbass.
9. Pallies got nerfed in the last patch, n00b.
8. Your friends are right…
7. You follow me everywhere… except into Pottruck.
6. How do you say, “Get the fuck away!” in Sexy?
5. Pepper Spray is expensive.
4. Our children will be uglier than Michael Jackson Gollum combined with Roseanne The Krakken.
3. Your black, dyed, emo hair face totally doesn’t go with my navy Prada bag.
2. Size does matter.
1. It would validate what my 230lb boyfriend has been “subtly hinting at” with his knuckles for the past four weeks.

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