College Freshman Chloe Greenberg came down with the infamous “Freshman Plague” last week. She has no idea how. The freshman explained that she only shared drinks during NSO with her close friends (who she had known for a full 48 hours at that point), and she got a whole 4 hours of sleep each night of NSO. Further, Greenberg explained, “I asked all four of the guys I made out with at Skulls if they were sick beforehand! They all said ‘no.’”

On Sunday, Greenberg tried to make an appointment at Student Health Services and was shocked to find out they were closed.

The poor, naïve frosh had to figure it out the hard way: if you’re sick on Sunday, that’s just God’s plan for you.

SHS Director Giang Nguyen told The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl, “The health of all students is our top priority. Six days a week, we open our twelve incredible services to all students. Our staff is qualified and capable. We have a 24-hour phone line. At SHS, we do everything we can for Penn students. But Sunday is God’s day. If Penn students are ill on Sundays – that must just be God’s plan for them.”

Nguyen also recommended that “sinners – er, students – reach out to the Office of the Chaplain, which is open on Sunday’s, and consider scheduling a bloodletting appointment, which is also covered by the Penn Student Insurance Plan. A few Hail Mary’s probably wouldn’t hurt….”

God was unavailable for comment at this time.