Thanksgiving Haikus 2022

Our annual Thanksgiving tradition is back!

Marshmallows gone stale

Rock hard on sweet potatoes

It’s better that way.

Three lines are in this

Thanksgiving haiku, like the

Number of Try Guys.

Thanks to the Phillies

Throwing the World Series

Just cancel classes.

I met a female

Turkey with a lovely name.

Anne Al? I ate her.

Wrote this in Huntsman.

The Wharton men all scare me

Consulting clubs: Gone!

David Rittenhouse

(read the next line as British)


What have you done mom?

Where’s my infinity scarf?

I need it so bad!

No! Turn off the game.

The Eagles are playing, and 

We just fixed the screen. 

Wharton Business Law:

Only important club here.

Consulting? Big L.

Four cups of coffee, 

Three hours sleep, two pounds sugar

Going ‘til I collapse.

Quit quiet quitting

Just keep grinding hard this break.

Mental health is fake.

Nutella on toast,

Carrots, peanuts, month-old cheese

A feast fit for kings.

Baking a turkey?

Too hard, no thanks, not today.

I’m beating my meat.

Happy Friendsgiving

The good Southern Christian way:

Cook, fuck, eat, pray, love 

McKinsey case prep:

Estimate the value of

This cranberry sauce.

Dining hall hours

Because they make total sense

Yup, I eat at six!

2022 Midterms

Politics at the Table 

Where were you Jan. 6th?

Dinner on the lawn

of Pres. Liz Magill’s mansion

What’s the WiFi code?

Guess who’s coming home!

It’s your stupid step-daughter. 

She’ll never love you.

For three hundred coins 

Get free turkey at ACME

So, buy four items? 

Four years of Haikus

Burnt out. But not as burnt out

As Auntie’s turkey. 

Short, green, and skinny. 

That’s why I call my penis:

Green Bean Casserole 

Daylight Savings? Cuz

What are we saving, bitches?!??!

Not my mental health.

Disney Adults, Rise!

A Florida Thanksgiving.

Gators like turkey.

Who ate the turkey?

“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem.

It’s me.” -Taylor Swift.

My Penn essay was

Pro-activism. Now I’m in

Investment banking.

Wonder why I’m here.

Inflated my resume

Don’t tell the table.

My BeReal today?

A selfie on my side while

Grandpa tackles dad.

Isn’t this my day off?

And yet I’m still on Canvas.

Assignments go brrr.

I’d be grateful if

There was a John Fetterman

Macy’s Day balloon.




Friendsgiving potluck.

Barry cooks the bird. I bring

A dead mouse; caught fresh.

Turkey is not the

Only thing with a right wing:

Gran loves Donald Trump 

Y’all sleep on me like 

People in FFP tents.

I’m pro climate change. 

r/upenn mod 

Removed my turkey day rant.

This is oppression.

Philly sports fans eat

Disappointment for dinner 

With a side of hope 

Leaving the table.

Play, “Mmmm whatcha say” for me

Like in Gossip Girl.

Sidechat posts asking

“Yo, anyone throwing tn?”

Answer: “Yeah, your mom.”

Have no dining plan?

On campus this thanksgiving?

Squirrels for dinner.

Sweet potatoes with 

Marshmallows is a dessert

Face the facts. [Gunshots]. 

Moderna boosters,

Pfizer boosters, where is my

Self-esteem booster?

My Ratatouille:

Story of the squirrel who

Does all my homework.


Rotisserie Chicken Man”

Eats FORTY turkeys. 

Philly Chicken Man

He clucked around and found out

Clucking impressive

Somebody put booze 

in the Thanksgiving gravy

I really don’t mind.

She sucking my toes 

She fondlin’ my potatoes

She finna mash them.

Thanksgiving haikus,

Are the peak of comedy 

No further questions. 

Buying onion salt

From Trader Joe’s. This is my 

Pilgrimage. Amen. 

Whipped Sweet Potatoes

BDSM Thanksgiving 

CBT Cornbread

What is this new spice

In the Thanksgiving turkey?

It’s grandma’s ashes.


Please send me some help!

I’m locked inside Huntsman Hall

F50…Please help.

The gravy on the

Fulmer family table:

Yung Gravy -> Ariel

Balcony tix? Nah,

I finna be in the pit.

Turning on the bird 

Mariah Carey!

I hear her in the distance

As thanksgiving ends.

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